Live-in
I was wearing a shirt with a label ‘live-in’ and my
friend, the eagle-eyed Prof. S, noticed it and started talking to me of the
buzz word these days - ‘live-in
relationships’. From the way he waxed eloquence of the subject, I wondered if
he had any personal experience (S, please bear with me).
This led me to reflect on this. Although I have a vague idea of
what this means, as is my wont, I looked up the meaning of this word. And this
is what I got:
“A living arrangement in which an unmarried couple lives together in a
long-term relationship that resembles a marriage”
To my mind, schooled in the traditional belief of marital
relationships, this was jarring. But I seem to be out of date! My friend S
tells me that he has come across several instances of ‘live-in’ relationships
that he is unable to think of this as uncommon! He is, as you say, modern and
is up-to-date on the ways of the world. Poor me!
What does this ‘live-in’ mean? It
means co-habitation by choice of two consenting adults rather than marry. This
could be for a variety of reasons like, wanting to check their compatibility
(unheard of in my times!), the freedom to walk out of the relationship (can’t
think of it!), if found unpalatable, maintaining financial independence (in a
marriage the finances get merged, you see!).
Be that as it may, this is something that has caught on in recent years
notwithstanding the possible legal impediments, societal acceptance, finding
another partner after you walk out of a relationship. And why does this happen?
In the context of this new fad, my mind went back in time, about forty
years. Time was when a young man even talking to a girl was not well received
by the society. I particularly remember that I needed to borrow some notes from
a neighbour (a girl, of course) as her teacher’s notes were considered to be
very relevant for the public examination that we were to take. I had to enlist
the assistance of my sister to get those notes!
And then when I was to marry,
the typical South Indian “interview’ took place. Boy ‘sees’ girl, conveys his
acceptance or otherwise to his parents (usually mother – you don’t dare to talk
to your father about your marriage, you see!). The typical questions – can she
sing, dance, cook, what has she studied, is she working - all these questions
from the boy’s parents – you are not expected to speak to the girl! And I got
married and I don’t regret my choice – my wife is an angel! I don’t want to say
priceless a la Sashi Tharoor (now, why am I obsessed with this man’s statements-
may be sub-consciously I like his statements and admire him!).
After it was agreed between the families (please mark my words agreed
between the families!), a formal engagement took place. After that, I was
‘allowed’ to speak to her occasionally over the phone and one day I asked her
if she would be interested in a music programme at Ravindra Kalashetra
featuring the late Shenai legend Bismillah Khan (one of my friends had given me
two passes for the programme). This innocent invitation set off a chain
reaction (stronger than the nuclear chain reaction!) that I had not anticipated! She told her
father and he in turn consulted his brother-in-law who in turn consulted his
sister and so on – all of them to arrive at the decision that my wife-to- be
was not to honour the invitation. And their worry was how to convey it to me
(my wife told me this later!). And they decided that the best person to convey
the negative information was my fiancée! She rang me up and with a lot of
preface told me that ‘it was not the ‘done thing’ to appear in public together
before the marriage!
And when my son was to be married, the biggest concession given was
that the ‘girl and the boy’ could talk to each other alone, albeit in the same
house! And could exchange e-mails!
How far have we travelled in our social customs and the societal values
– today two unmarried individuals ‘living in’ don’t give a damn to what ‘four
people will say?’ I do not know if this is a welcome movement or not. It
depends on the lens you choose to look through!
The institution of marriage, as understood by my generation, is
becoming less popular among the present day youngsters. An increasing number of people are living-in with
their partners out of wedlock. Most conservative families still do not approve
of this ‘live-in’. This is because of the mind-set that marriage is a necessary
evil. One famous marriage counsellor says "When passion wanes, a live-in couple may
call it quits, but marriage helps couples face and fight the problems being in
the relationship." Live-ins as an alternative to marriage is not
acceptable to most.
The fear that lies in the minds of such families is that in case of
rejection by the live-in partner, it is the girl that stands to lose a lot –
social prestige, stigma, emotional break-down etc. Mercifully laws have been
enacted in a few States of our country and abroad too, in regard to such
live-in relationships which seek to protect the interests of the people
involved.
“Living in is a step above dating, but marriage is marriage."
"Marriage means commitment of a lifetime. ‘Till death do us apart' as a
concept is endearing to most couples. It has a magical charm. It is the
ultimate destination for couples. Living together is the journey towards that destination." – I read this somewhere and I can’t
agree with this more!
