Live-in

I was wearing a shirt with a label ‘live-in’ and my friend, the eagle-eyed Prof. S, noticed it and started talking to me of the buzz word these days  - ‘live-in relationships’. From the way he waxed eloquence of the subject, I wondered if he had any personal experience (S, please bear with me).

This led me to reflect on this. Although I have a vague idea of what this means, as is my wont, I looked up the meaning of this word. And this is what I got:

“A living arrangement in which an unmarried couple lives together in a long-term relationship that resembles a marriage”

To my mind, schooled in the traditional belief of marital relationships, this was jarring. But I seem to be out of date! My friend S tells me that he has come across several instances of ‘live-in’ relationships that he is unable to think of this as uncommon! He is, as you say, modern and is up-to-date on the ways of the world. Poor me!

What does this ‘live-in’ mean?  It means co-habitation by choice of two consenting adults rather than marry. This could be for a variety of reasons like, wanting to check their compatibility (unheard of in my times!), the freedom to walk out of the relationship (can’t think of it!), if found unpalatable, maintaining financial independence (in a marriage the finances get merged, you see!).

Be that as it may, this is something that has caught on in recent years notwithstanding the possible legal impediments, societal acceptance, finding another partner after you walk out of a relationship. And why does this happen?

In the context of this new fad, my mind went back in time, about forty years. Time was when a young man even talking to a girl was not well received by the society. I particularly remember that I needed to borrow some notes from a neighbour (a girl, of course) as her teacher’s notes were considered to be very relevant for the public examination that we were to take. I had to enlist the assistance of my sister to get those notes!

 And then when I was to marry, the typical South Indian “interview’ took place. Boy ‘sees’ girl, conveys his acceptance or otherwise to his parents (usually mother – you don’t dare to talk to your father about your marriage, you see!). The typical questions – can she sing, dance, cook, what has she studied, is she working - all these questions from the boy’s parents – you are not expected to speak to the girl! And I got married and I don’t regret my choice – my wife is an angel! I don’t want to say priceless a la Sashi Tharoor (now, why am I obsessed with this man’s statements- may be sub-consciously I like his statements and admire him!).

After it was agreed between the families (please mark my words agreed between the families!), a formal engagement took place. After that, I was ‘allowed’ to speak to her occasionally over the phone and one day I asked her if she would be interested in a music programme at Ravindra Kalashetra featuring the late Shenai legend Bismillah Khan (one of my friends had given me two passes for the programme). This innocent invitation set off a chain reaction (stronger than the nuclear chain reaction!)  that I had not anticipated! She told her father and he in turn consulted his brother-in-law who in turn consulted his sister and so on – all of them to arrive at the decision that my wife-to- be was not to honour the invitation. And their worry was how to convey it to me (my wife told me this later!). And they decided that the best person to convey the negative information was my fiancée! She rang me up and with a lot of preface told me that ‘it was not the ‘done thing’ to appear in public together before the marriage!

And when my son was to be married, the biggest concession given was that the ‘girl and the boy’ could talk to each other alone, albeit in the same house! And could exchange e-mails!

How far have we travelled in our social customs and the societal values – today two unmarried individuals ‘living in’ don’t give a damn to what ‘four people will say?’ I do not know if this is a welcome movement or not. It depends on the lens you choose to look through!

The institution of marriage, as understood by my generation, is becoming less popular among the present day youngsters. An increasing number of people are living-in with their partners out of wedlock. Most conservative families still do not approve of this ‘live-in’. This is because of the mind-set that marriage is a necessary evil. One famous marriage counsellor says "When passion wanes, a live-in couple may call it quits, but marriage helps couples face and fight the problems being in the relationship." Live-ins as an alternative to marriage is not acceptable to most.

The fear that lies in the minds of such families is that in case of rejection by the live-in partner, it is the girl that stands to lose a lot – social prestige, stigma, emotional break-down etc. Mercifully laws have been enacted in a few States of our country and abroad too, in regard to such live-in relationships which seek to protect the interests of the people involved.

“Living in is a step above dating, but marriage is marriage." "Marriage means commitment of a lifetime. ‘Till death do us apart' as a concept is endearing to most couples. It has a magical charm. It is the ultimate destination for couples. Living together is the journey towards that destination." – I read this somewhere and I can’t agree with this more!